Tuesday, April 9, 2013

A SUMMARY OF A YEAR GONE BY......(excuse me if it's a tad long)

I've been a horrible blogger. I've often thought many times to write only to choose to do something else instead. It's not that I haven't been at the computer because I'm pretty sure I've developed a facebook addiction. (That's probably a separate post in itself.) Here's my attempt to catch you all up on a year in the life of the Coulter's as I, Cande, have seen it.

More than a year ago I was basically handed a job at the local elementary school. Loved the kids & my co-workers, disliked the job. My mind's thoughts.....There's obviously a problem with you. Every mom wants a school job to have the same schedule as her kids. One problem, I can't do math. Not even 3rd grade math. I struggled to help any 3rd grader! I was learning right along with them. Things are so different than even when my kids were in school. I quit that job due to my self imposed stress of feeling if the kids didn't "get it", I failed them.....all of them. I was jobless for about a month and job #2 fell into my lap.

I worked job #2 & enjoyed meeting people, planning events, & basically answering only to myself on most days. It was part time perfect until part time turned into more like nearly full time and then discussions of full time status started. My mind's thoughts....."Whoa......I only wanted part time......and when the boss is here....well, it's not always what it's cracked up to be....but I enjoy the purpose of my job.....not so much the stress which is coming more and more frequently." I got a phone call one day asking if I'd like to work in a different office not associated with the current establishment. I entertained that idea and through the days of should I or shouldn't I, I quit job #2 and went to job #3.

Job #3 started smoothly with lots to learn and a schedule to adjust to. After about 3 months into it, I felt like I was getting in my groove. Working 15-17 hours a week, getting out of the house, and spooning out of a crock pot for nearly 3 meals a week. It was pretty much so working on auto pilot until Pam Butler died.

I didn't know Pam Butler but I had a God moment with her blog on Friday, March 1, 2013. While seeing posts on facebook, I noticed several people holding signs in pictures "TEAM BUTLER". Trying to track who & why so many people in Iowa were rooting for Butler lead me to Pam's blog. All I can say is WOW....what a woman!

We had similar stories with a loving husband, 3 kids, and survivors of cancer. That's pretty much so where it ends. Pam was obviously a woman who pursued God daily & was so quick & willing to share the true meaning of God's grace and forgiveness with others. Even in her running of children and her job that probably kept her way more busy than my 15-17 hours a week, she sought God. That woman impressed me when I read the hard decisions she & her husband face due to a diagnosis of a secondary cancer from an unknown origin.

I've battled these discussions in my mind. I'm at risk of a secondary cancer. I've already made it pretty clear to my husband, Todd I wouldn't ever go through what I went through again. As each year passes, I might loose a bit of that bitterness to the possibility that I'd do chemo again if needed. That's really beside the point. Pam's story of her faith & relying on God was so beautiful and powerful it disturbed me.

Sunday, March 3rd, 2013, two days after reading Pam's blog, Pam Butler passed away. Hearing at church that Pam was taking her last breaths shook me to my core. Pam Butler, a woman I didn't even know. I cried through church. I cried through worship. I mourned a woman I didn't even know. Then I began to mourn a woman I once knew. Myself. God was still using Pam Butler in her death.

Realizing my life had begun to slowly unravel in the last year. My passion for church was missing. My desire for God was vanishing. My heart to serve was dissipating. My joy for life & thankfulness for breathing were gone. What was going on? More tears fell in days of confusion & then,undeniably, I became broken.

My heart softened. My focus became clear. My chasing after jobs that I'm not sure why I started was beginning to make sense. Well, not real sense, but sense of what my job really is. I'm a wife and a mom. I'm a servant and a friend.

In the year of chasing my own selfishness & not wanting people to think of me as someone who just stayed home to spend my husband's money, I sought job after job in happiness - never to find it there. Upon the resignation of job #3, the joy is being restored. My thankfulness to God for my continuing to live on a daily basis is returning. My children ages 23, 22 & 18 have proven to me on a daily basis that they need my attention and help. I'm free to give them my all. I'm free to glorify God in my daily living. (I actually was always free to do this, but never truly applying it!)

Thank you Pam Butler. A woman after God's heart who certainly changed mine. You can read Pam's story here. Careful ... it might just rock your world!

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