Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The Not So Glamorous Side of My Life

With a glorious reunion comes great joys and yet unexpected struggles and sorrows.  I've been at my breaking point many times in the last few months.  I'm unable to explain my feelings, thoughts, and yet I so understand what is going on inside of me.  It's the most uncomprehending thing I've struggled with in my life.

I miss my mom.  More today than a year ago.  More than two years ago.  I miss her more than I ever imagined I would.  It's more than the day her first grandchild graduated college.  It's more than the day her grandson got married to a wonderful, godly woman.  It's more than the day her last grandchild graduated high school or the day she went to college to pursue Nursing.  My mom would be so proud of all of them.  I miss my mom for questions I'll never have answered.  Questions I didn't even know existed when she was living.  On January 26th I wanted to celebrate that day she went to heaven 3 years ago.  With much sadness, this year I just could not.

Throughout 20 years of marriage, my husband has been my rock.  My sounding board.  My shoulder that I regularly cry on.  The one who keeps me patient.  The one who makes me keep my mouth shut.  Sometimes he's the only logical one.  Yet I'm experiencing something he can't even comprehend or understand.  I often wonder if I should seek counseling....a real spiritual counselor.  Who has experience with this stuff?  I don't even know!  All I can do is cry out to God.

When two people find much peace in their heart from something that has been knowingly - and unknowingly - longing for 40 years, why is there unrest from others?  Family members who I know and love and those I don't know have verbally and non-verbally expressed their not so happy opinions.

On the outside looking in, it seems as if the reunion between my dad and I has been wonderful.  I think I can speak for both of us that it most definitely has been!  However, what happens in my deepest thoughts and in our one on one conversations is so much more complex.  I'm constantly retraining my brain to know how much my dad loved me all the years he never had anything to do with me.  I can't grasp how an entire family (7 other siblings, grandparents, & cousins) just left me alone when so many lived in the same school district or just a short drive from my home for many years.  I can hear dad give the explanation many times over.  I just can't understand it.

I could once count on two hands my family on my mom's side that I knew.  All of a sudden I have an enormous family.  I don't have the sense of family that is in the Bowers blood.  I have never known that.  My husband's family is this way too.  I don't understand it.  I've never lived it.  I shy away from it.  I'm having a hard time accepting it.  It was easier with just my two hands.

God has pushed me out of my comfort zone.  How can I have so much peace but yet turmoil at the same time?  Why does He allow that to happen?  God was beaten, mocked and scorned.  This is nothing in comparison to His suffering and pain.  For me to have gained so much and yet feel so alone has only got to be growth & change from God.

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