I sit at the computer desiring to update, but conflicted at what to write. God is telling me to share my heart, but I guess the human part of me wants to guard it. So I guess I'll start with this.....we made a trip to Indiana this weekend to surprise my mom. I'm filled with a wide range of emotions that have come out of this visit.
I've always thought that it would be easier to deal with the loss of a loved one if you have time to prepare. It definitely gives you time to choose to make the wrongs right, say things that need to be said, and time to share together. However, I'm stuggling with an attitude of fight to the end or enjoy the rest of life with a high quality of life. I tend to lean toward a higher quality of life with whatever life is left.
When my mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer, I was still dealing with emotions & after effects of my own cancer treatment. At that time, it was somewhat easy to rally the troops and have an attitude for mom of let's fight this thing. However, as time went on, I felt better with each passing year and mom continued to find new growths, changes in current tumors, and faced ever changing treatments because the current one would lose it's effectiveness. I began to deal with survivor's guilt. In the past years, I've pulled away rather than get closer.
Prior to our move a month ago, mom's cancer had once again changed and treatment options were changed along with it. At this point, I knew things were progressing and changing in ways that would be hard to control very soon. It was difficut when mom hugged me saying "I'm gonna fight this thing, I'm not giving up" when all I'm really thinking is just stop treatment. Enjoy what's left. That's what I thought. What I said was "It's gonna be o.k., mom. We have a big God, He's the one in control. You've got to believe in that."
So this weekend surprise visit was for me as much as for my mom. As if to say, we may be miles away, but I'm here for you now. While I regret the time wasted and the distance in our relationship I created, love bridges a large gap. God's love can provide the peace and comfort needed by many. I chose to live what's left without regret and enjoy the love of a mother who put up with a lot from her daughter, but always loved me unconditionally. Just like Jesus.
- Pam & Rick Stoops - Wisdom & discernment for decisions they will be making this week
- Doctors & nurses - Knowledge for treatment & care of mom
- Peace & understanding for family members & friends
- Jessi Howe - Wisdom & clarity in decisions
- Jerod Howe - Job opportunity
- Great Grandma Bowman - Send someone to share the gospel & God's love to her
- Mattye & Cande - Continued healing
- The Coulter Home to sell in Frankfort