Friday, August 5, 2011

Go, Go, Go! Hot, Hot, Hot! Disappointment!

The month of July was a fast, furious, and hot month!  We had lots of fun & we were able to relax a little among the go, go, go of all that took place!  It was exciting having suprise visitors from Indiana (I recommend calling first!), having a planned visitor from Indiana, and visiting Indiana all in one month!  The air conditioner hummed most of the month and our sandels were a staple at the door.  The pool bags were well used as we tried to relax and beat the heat by swimming as often as possible!  Then came August 1st.  It is a realization that school soon begins again.  Harvest is just around the corner and summer fun is soon over. 

I enjoy summer alot.  I always have.  I usually feel some disappointment when it's over.  This year is tough for a couple of reasons.  Having just been to Indiana, we visited family, moved our daughter, and brought back things of my moms.  While sorting to determine where to put those things in our apartment, I came across letters from Vietnam from my real dad.  There were post cards from him to me and some to my mom.  There were Western Union telegrams from his commander when he was injured in battle.  Copies of telegrams mom sent to determine his health status.  It was all a bit emotionally difficult for me...again.

Before mom had passed away, mom had given me a file folder full of papers.  In it were copies of my birth certificate, information regarding my real dad, court transcripts for my adoption, and legal adoption papers when my step-father adopted me.  When I began reading the transcript stating my real dad desired to have no more contact with me and was giving up his rights as a father, it just brought to my mind a lot of questions.  Questions I knew I didn't really want the answers, so I tucked the papers away should I ever need to use them.  It was emotionally difficult.

Now that we have more things in our possession from my real dad....letters stating how much he loved me, how much he loved my mother.....these questions just come to mind again and play with my emotions.   Also, in this newly acquired stuff is his last known address that my mom knew.  I still don't have the desire to look for answers, but it probably would be simple if I tried.

I don't understand why my dad gave up his rights to be my father.  I have memories of a short time with him.  Not much I remember is pleasant.  I'm sure the war changed him.  He was young and so was my mom when I was born.  That can change a person.

I'm so glad Jesus gives hope to the fatherless.  I remember the first time I heard this & how I nearly choked in the lump in my throat.  It still gets me every time.  My step-dad adopted me and fathered me in the way he knew.  However, my Heavenly Father has been a source of strength through it all - even when I disappointed him over and over again by my choices.  He hasn't left me or given up on me.  He waits for me daily to spend time with Him.  I love Him so much for all He's done for me.

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